Quotes by Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

Gun

Ideas

Office

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Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?

Pregnancy

Waiting

Why Not

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David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere – his car drove itself.

Drinking

Fall

Years

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Don’t choose the better guy, choose the guy that’s gonna make you the better girl

Girl

Guy

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Even if times are tough and you’re enduring a terrible heartache, it’s important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Focus

Heartache

Important

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Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

Assault

Wings

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Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.

Feelings

Fine

Worry

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For the gay and lesbian community, even though I’m not gay I think its really important to speak out for people that aren’t necessarily dealing with the same circumstances you’re dealing with and don’t have the benefit of the health care system or the government that you do.

Gay

Government

Thinking

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Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.

Good Luck

Laughing

Today

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Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics – I’ve never needed a drink more badly in my life.

Drink

People

Wonder

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