Quotes by Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien

A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, ‘Hey, both of those games went into overtime.’

Games

Jersey

Nfl

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A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they’re not hiring liberal arts majors.

Art

Kids

Sorry

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A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

Cancer

Cat

Dog

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A new Republican Congress is taking over. Sen. Ted Cruz has been appointed tooverseeing NASA in Congress. He says he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them.

Aliens

Focus

Want

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A new survey reveals that women would rather give up sex than give up the remote control for the TV. Men, on the other hand, would be willing to have sex with the remote for the TV.

Funny

Giving Up

Sex

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A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump.

Houston

Selling

Stores

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A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’

Funny

Inspirational

Women

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A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they’re so happy, Swiss people couldn’t answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate.

Country

Hands

People

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A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, ‘I had more leg room in the womb.’

Baby

Legs

Rooms

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According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn’t drink now does.

Funny

Guy

Humor

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