Quotes by Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No, no. I think you’re fattest.”

Funny

Girl

Humor

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘All right, but we won’t get much done.’

Cancer

Funny

Humor

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

Jokes

Sound

Surprising

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny’s words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

Night

Watches

Words Of Wisdom

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I’m no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

Audacity

Comedian

Different

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

Comedy

Firsts

Marketing

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.

Funny

Humor

Sex

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Children

Funny

Humor

But what’s true about comedians is that we’ve all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we’re the one person facing in the opposite direction – yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.

Opposites

Overwhelming Desire

People

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Cat

Funny

Humor

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Airports

Als

Audacity

Audience

Awards

Being In Love

Believe

Bigger

Bombs

Book

Cake

Cancer

Cat

Children

Chlorine

Christian

Class

Coffee

Comedian

Comedy

Country

Crazy

Culture

Cutting

Cycling

Dad

Deaf

Different

Dinner

Disaster

Dog

Dying

Eight

Ends

Excitement

Eye

Faces

Fall

Father

Feet

Firsts

Funny

Girl

Girlfriend

Giving

Going Out

Guy

Helping

Here I Am

The Future Blueprint

Tool

The Home Therapist: Anti Anxiety

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The Autobiography

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Quotes by Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said “I think you’re fatist.” I said “No, no. I think you’re fattest.”

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘All right, but we won’t get much done.’

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny’s words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I’m no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

But what’s true about comedians is that we’ve all got a huge hole in our personality. In a room of 3,000 people, we’re the one person facing in the opposite direction – yet we have this overwhelming desire to be liked.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

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The Future Blueprint

The Home Therapist: Anti Anxiety

The Autobiography

The Behaviour Diary

The Dating Diary

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